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| I am frustrated, sad, and depressed. I should be grateful since it was
thanksgiving a week ago. I feel fed up how I've heard some people say
that you need to learn more and be more attentative. Also, it does not
matter if you speak mandarin and English. On the other hand, I've heard
people get a bit excited saying your bilingual that is a awesome or
great. You have a lot of promise and potential. Hm.. I wonder who's
word to listen to and to believe. If showing and having good promise is
a complement then why is it that I am currently not in a permanent job
with the avg. salary of a college graduate and having medical, dental
insurance & benefits? I believe that no on likes to give a no name
person a chance. I guess being honest and not compromising your own
beliefs is bad. Is it? What does it take to have some stability in my
life. Being older I feel is never worth it. Growing up has never been.
If it were this difficult why go through it. When we get older what is
there to look forward to? Work, starting a family, growing old with a
significant others, witnessing a new born baby, being parents then
grand parents; NO, just chugging along or trudging along with life. The
first 23 year of my life have been great. I'm not saying it is a
perfect 23 years. However, the last two so far cannot even match up to
the 10 years in TAS and the 4 and a half years in College.
Does
anything matter anymore? Quite frankly I'm feeling sick and disgusted
by the fact that I want to live my own life however I do not know how
to walk it. I have goals yet I do not know the baby steps of planning.
Why is it that I want get this and do that or achieve this or that and
yet I do not know how to start or know the steps. I've given up a lot
of hope and losing a ton of faith daily. I've prayed to the Lord a lot
and yet at times I feel like HE's there and listening but not giving a
response. Is this a test? Is it that my heart is not in the right
place? Is there something that I need to change? What exactly is it
that I'm missing or lacking? Perhaps I'm not focusing on HIM enough? I
would like answers; but then again these answers that might only be
answered when its all said and done (ie when we passed on).
I've
been watching Heroes. I enjoy it and I can feel for some characters.
Man.. how great would it be to have a power and help people. Having a
special ability definitly would be rewarding. At times I feel like
maybe had I have one I would not be writing about this entry. Maybe
that's just me being childish or still not growing up and facing the
daily harsh realities of life. I'm tired. I have to admit it but my
best is not good enough in life. I cannot even get my life in order.
Life is a mess to me. Its all jumbled and I feel like I'm in a tunnel
and I do not see light; just darkness in all angles and degrees. Will
someone guide me or lead me because I'm lost and I cannot get untangled. | | |
| 交往, 感情, 男女之間的情感.
我最近覺得上帝不要我找女孩子交往. 我對自己也很沒自信. 還有bottom line是, 我養不起. 而且quite frankly, 我所遇到在我生命中的女孩, 我都配不上, 我也沒有好條件. 我也沒有才華或才能.
有時候一直在找會找不到, 或找不到合式的.
可是如果keeping yourself busy的話, 會有可能的ONE 會出現在面前嗎?
交往和感情takes time and work. 我現在的狀況好希望有喔. 不過上帝放在我的心是說,\"現在不是時候\" 還有\"時候未到\"
說實話， 我個人覺得我養不起一位太太. 現在不行, 以後也不可能的.
我只能再度強調說我不夠好也不夠格來有一位女生當我的太太.
女人心真的是海底的針.
這一個entry不是被written out of desparation. 我指是want to share what is in my heart.
This entry is just something in my heart and perhaps this will linger on when I enter the grave. | | |
| Yep, as the title said. The explaination on why I have not gotten enough sleep for the past weeks.
First off I'm really really thankful to receive a vehicle. Hm... I honestly feel very very blessed. I wish everything would be better with a permanent position and steady job. I wish to start learning on how to survive on my own. Help!!! Its tough to be on one's own.
I just wish I knew the job situation. I'm really feeling like its horrible to not know how to survive. I'm at a point where its really hard for me because I feel like I failed at life. I don't know how much of a hit I can take with the whole thing about 'Leap of Faith'. I honestly just want to know my status. Where is this journey of life taking me? Where does it go next? I like having open possibilities and probabilities but to have a blur is not something I enjoying being nor is it something I like experiencing.
I love life but maybe I need help dealing with trials and hardships. Despite knowing the problem with me is that I know that I am unsure, lack of confidence and occasionally having low self-esteem are the primary reasons why I have trouble coping right now. In addition, I feel like being a good person does not help. Perhaps being practical is not in my nature. Reality is that I feel like I'm failing and it gets to a point where it gets too much. I want to be strong, stay strong, have the right attitude, be embedded with the right mind set but its not happening.
I realize that I lack talent and have a frail mind and a feeble heart. Is being here the best decision? I mean its great but I'm watching friends whom are learning and have strong instincts to cope and deal with situations. I feel like I have not gotten to that point. I feel like I'm not matured enough. I want to be but then again, I do not know myself. Perhaps being in Taiwan longer should have been better but I know that work wise is not the best situation.
On a side note. I honestly hate being questioned on "what can you do?" Quite frankly to hell with it, I do not know my own abilities. I feel like that question is like telling me that I'm an animal I should not be human. I feel that degrades the human soul to say that you are not worthy in all way shape or form. I've had two people ask me that. Quite frankly I know they do not have the same beliefs as I do. Maybe I realize that God wants me to be on my own but then yet is just watching me wander like the Isralelites for 40 years in the wilderness/desert. Seriously I feel like asking me what I can do is a slap in the face because I feel like I am still at a point in my life where I do not truely know myself completely. At the end of the day the guy that has the talent, works the hardest and gives the most amount of effort that wins. Its not the guy that works the hardest, gives the most amount of effort and the least amount of talent. Hence, well.. I feel like at times I am not deserving to live. If being a good person and being courteous and having faith still is not enough then I do not know what is. Enough of side tracking.
Real World is fun and exciting but also have to be practical and also be smart. Quite frankly I feel strongly I lack both. I just wish for something, I yearn for something and I dream and hope and put faith but nothing ever works. Is it too much to ask for right now at this point to have a job that pays 33K-35K a year and have medical & dental and 401k? Honestly I feel down because I do not have the knack for anything. I wish I did.
Another problem is I do not know how to take the first step. I definitely am one of those types of people that need guidance and I yearn to be mentored. I also would like to mentor and help people before me. But then the low confidence and not being assertive enough is probably what is affecting my growth. How do I find that? How do I have those things in my level? Thanks everyone. I want to be successful and quite frankly success to me is receiving a MS in Sports Management and an MBA. Then be in a field I truely love. Primarily I can use those degrees. Next its to just live happy and be in charge of trying to live a fruitful and colorful life. Being free as in like working hard but also playing hard. Thanks guys for reading the rants and also the confessions of what is truely going on in my head.
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| This is still George. Another quick update with xanga. The countdown continues with me leaving my current job. I am excited yet nervous and also quite fearful. I am afraid of not being able to find work. In addtion, I'm really nervous about the GMAT. I am so stressed out from studying and also preparing. I honestly wish I could go to grad school. I have been studying a few schools and I just hope to keep an open mind. I know I keep changing the schools'. Here's an updated list: University of MA Amherst University of Central Florida St. Thomas University Belmont University University of South Carolina The University of Georgia Georgia Southern University I cannot wait till it is August 31st. I have continually to pray daily and put my hope and faith in God. Thank you all. | | |
| Haven't written in here for a while. I'm really feeling tired of the current job situation. I cannot cope and I feel like I cannot fully immerse into the Taiwan work culture. Sure I may have grown here my whole life but nonetheless, student life is different than being in the work life. I yearn to return to the US and find a job where I can dedicate my passion to and I feel refreshed to waking up everyday and giving it my all. I look forward to returning in August. I wish to not stay any more in my current company. Now I just need to get the GMAT out of the way. The truth is I desire to get a Master's degree and also wish to get certified to teach. The type of Master's degree I wish to get is Sports Management. Ever since late February I have been taking prep classes to help prepare me for the GMAT. I need this so I can start applying for graduate schools. Here are the schools' I am looking into. 1. University of Massachusetts 2. University of Florida 3. University of Central Florida 4. St. Thomas University 5. Belmont University or University of New Haven I feel like there's still a lot of uncertainty going on. In addtion, I feel behind in my career path. So far I have set my sights in residing in FL. Settling in there, working, living, retiring and going through a peaceful and quiet life. However, first, I need to return to MA to take care a few things and to pave the way in order for me to achieve that. I dread going to work everyday. I feel like I have tried and yet I am a failure at what I do. I feel like my viewpoint is not accepted. I feel like right now my English on the decline and also my mandarin is not improving anywhere. I believe that the current enviroment is not a healthy one for me to be in. As a I have said before, I yearn to just leave this island. There is nothing that should be keeping me here besides my family and a few friends. Hm... I guess I should mention who. I am a little tired though already so if I have neglected a few people then please forgive me and remind me. This only includes friends and not family because I include all the family members already. Also, the list is in no particular order. A) Wine B) Chris C) Toby D) Andy E) Genie F) Vanessa G) Gordon George is signing off. Peace | | |
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