NewEnglander's Xanga

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 20:49:36 GMT

I am frustrated, sad, and depressed. I should be grateful since it was thanksgiving a week ago. I feel fed up how I've heard some people say that you need to learn more and be more attentative. Also, it does not matter if you speak mandarin and English. On the other hand, I've heard people get a bit excited saying your bilingual that is a awesome or great. You have a lot of promise and potential. Hm.. I wonder who's word to listen to and to believe. If showing and having good promise is a complement then why is it that I am currently not in a permanent job with the avg. salary of a college graduate and having medical, dental insurance & benefits? I believe that no on likes to give a no name person a chance. I guess being honest and not compromising your own beliefs is bad. Is it? What does it take to have some stability in my life. Being older I feel is never worth it. Growing up has never been. If it were this difficult why go through it. When we get older what is there to look forward to? Work, starting a family, growing old with a significant others, witnessing a new born baby, being parents then grand parents; NO, just chugging along or trudging along with life. The first 23 year of my life have been great. I'm not saying it is a perfect 23 years. However, the last two so far cannot even match up to the 10 years in TAS and the 4 and a half years in College.

Does anything matter anymore? Quite frankly I'm feeling sick and disgusted by the fact that I want to live my own life however I do not know how to walk it. I have goals yet I do not know the baby steps of planning. Why is it that I want get this and do that or achieve this or that and yet I do not know how to start or know the steps. I've given up a lot of hope and losing a ton of faith daily. I've prayed to the Lord a lot and yet at times I feel like HE's there and listening but not giving a response. Is this a test? Is it that my heart is not in the right place? Is there something that I need to change? What exactly is it that I'm missing or lacking? Perhaps I'm not focusing on HIM enough? I would like answers; but then again these answers that might only be answered when its all said and done (ie when we passed on).

I've been watching Heroes. I enjoy it and I can feel for some characters. Man.. how great would it be to have a power and help people. Having a special ability definitly would be rewarding. At times I feel like maybe had I have one I would not be writing about this entry. Maybe that's just me being childish or still not growing up and facing the daily harsh realities of life. I'm tired. I have to admit it but my best is not good enough in life. I cannot even get my life in order. Life is a mess to me. Its all jumbled and I feel like I'm in a tunnel and I do not see light; just darkness in all angles and degrees. Will someone guide me or lead me because I'm lost and I cannot get untangled.

Life continues without 女生們

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 03:07:28 GMT

交往, 感情, 男女之間的情感.

我最近覺得上帝不要我找女孩子交往. 我對自己也很沒自信. 還有bottom line是, 我養不起. 而且quite frankly, 我所遇到在我生命中的女孩, 我都配不上, 我也沒有好條件. 我也沒有才華或才能.

有時候一直在找會找不到, 或找不到合式的.

可是如果keeping yourself busy的話, 會有可能的ONE 會出現在面前嗎?

交往和感情takes time and work. 我現在的狀況好希望有喔. 不過上帝放在我的心是說,\"現在不是時候\" 還有\"時候未到\"

說實話，我個人覺得我養不起一位太太. 現在不行, 以後也不可能的.

我只能再度強調說我不夠好也不夠格來有一位女生當我的太

太.

女人心真的是海底的針.

這一個entry不是被written out of desparation. 我指是want to share what is in my heart.

This entry is just something in my heart and perhaps this will linger on when I enter the grave.

Anxious, Nervous, Worried

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 04:04:49 GMT

Yep, as the title said. The explaination on why I have not gotten enough sleep for the past weeks.

First off I'm really really thankful to receive a vehicle. Hm... I honestly feel very very blessed. I wish everything would be better with a permanent position and steady job. I wish to start learning on how to survive on my own. Help!!! Its tough to be on one's own.

I just wish I knew the job situation. I'm really feeling like its horrible to not know how to survive. I'm at a point where its really hard for me because I feel like I failed at life. I don't know how much of a hit I can take with the whole thing about 'Leap of Faith'. I honestly just want to know my status. Where is this journey of life taking me? Where does it go next? I like having open possibilities and probabilities but to have a blur is not something I enjoying being nor is it something I like experiencing.

I love life but maybe I need help dealing with trials and hardships. Despite knowing the problem with me is that I know that I am unsure, lack of confidence and occasionally having low self-esteem are the primary reasons why I have trouble coping right now. In addition, I feel like being a good person does not help. Perhaps being practical is not in my nature. Reality is that I feel like I'm failing and it gets to a point where it gets too much. I want to be strong, stay strong, have the right attitude, be embedded with the right mind set but its not happening.

I realize that I lack talent and have a frail mind and a feeble heart. Is being here the best decision? I mean its great but I'm watching friends whom are learning and have strong instincts to cope and deal with situations. I feel like I have not gotten to that point. I feel like I'm not matured enough. I want to be but then again, I do not know myself. Perhaps being in Taiwan longer should have been better but I know that work wise is not the best situation.

On a side note. I honestly hate being questioned on "what can you do?" Quite frankly to hell with it, I do not know my own abilities. I feel like that question is like telling me that I'm an animal I should not be human. I feel that degrades the human soul to say that you are not worthy in all way shape or form. I've had two people ask me that. Quite frankly I know they do not have the same beliefs as I do. Maybe I realize that God wants me to be on my own but then yet is just watching me wander like the Isralelites for 40 years in the wilderness/desert. Seriously I feel like asking me what I can do is a slap in the face because I feel like I am still at a point in my life where I do not truely know myself completely. At the end of the day the guy that has the talent, works the hardest and gives the most amount of effort that wins. Its not the guy that works the hardest, gives the most amount of effort and the least amount of talent. Hence, well.. I feel like at times I am not deserving to live. If being a good person and being courteous and having faith still is not enough then I do not know what is. Enough of side tracking.

Real World is fun and exciting but also have to be practical and also be smart. Quite frankly I feel strongly I lack both. I just wish for something, I yearn for something and I dream and hope and put faith but nothing ever works. Is it too much to ask for right now at this point to have a job that pays 33K-35K a year and have medical & dental and 401k? Honestly I feel down because I do not have the knack for anything. I wish I did.

Another problem is I do not know how to take the first step. I definitely am one of those types of people that need guidance and I yearn to be mentored. I also would like to mentor and help people before me. But then the low confidence and not being assertive enough is probably what is affecting my growth. How do I find that? How do I have those things in my level? Thanks everyone. I want to be successful and quite frankly success to me is receiving a MS in Sports Management and an MBA. Then be in a field I truely love. Primarily I can use those degrees. Next its to just live happy and be in charge of trying to live a fruitful and colorful life. Being free as in like working hard but also playing hard. Thanks guys for reading the rants and also the confessions of what is truely going on in my head.

Same old same old

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 16:04:15 GMT

This is still George. Another quick update with xanga. The countdown continues with me leaving my current job. I am excited yet nervous and also quite fearful. I am afraid of not being able to find work. In addtion, I'm really nervous about the GMAT. I am so stressed out from studying and also preparing. I honestly wish I could go to grad school. I have been studying a few schools and I just hope to keep an open mind.

I know I keep changing the schools'. Here's an updated list:

University of MA Amherst

University of Central Florida

St. Thomas University

Belmont University

University of South Carolina

The University of Georgia

Georgia Southern University

I cannot wait till it is August 31st. I have continually to pray daily and put my hope and faith in God. Thank you all.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Sun, 13 May 2007 15:44:41 GMT

Haven't written in here for a while. I'm really feeling tired of the current job situation. I cannot cope and I feel like I cannot fully immerse into the Taiwan work culture. Sure I may have grown here my whole life but nonetheless, student life is different than being in the work life. I yearn to return to the US and find a job where I can dedicate my passion to and I feel refreshed to waking up everyday and giving it my all. I look forward to returning in August. I wish to not stay any more in my current company. Now I just need to get the GMAT out of the way.

The truth is I desire to get a Master's degree and also wish to get certified to teach. The type of Master's degree I wish to get is Sports Management. Ever since late February I have been taking prep classes to help prepare me for the GMAT. I need this so I can start applying for graduate schools. Here are the schools' I am looking into.

1. University of Massachusetts

2. University of Florida

3. University of Central Florida

4. St. Thomas University

5. Belmont University or University of New Haven

I feel like there's still a lot of uncertainty going on. In addtion, I feel behind in my career path. So far I have set my sights in residing in FL. Settling in there, working, living, retiring and going through a peaceful and quiet life. However, first, I need to return to MA to take care a few things and to pave the way in order for me to achieve that.

I dread going to work everyday. I feel like I have tried and yet I am a failure at what I do. I feel like my viewpoint is not accepted. I feel like right now my English on the decline and also my mandarin is not improving anywhere. I believe that the current enviroment is not a healthy one for me to be in. As a I have said before, I yearn to just leave this island. There is nothing that should be keeping me here besides my family and a few friends. Hm... I guess I should mention who. I am a little tired though already so if I have neglected a few people then please forgive me and remind me. This only includes friends and not family because I include all the family members already. Also, the list is in no particular order. A) Wine B) Chris C) Toby D) Andy E) Genie F) Vanessa G) Gordon

George is signing off. Peace

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 05:59:12 GMT

All I wish for is that I need some suggestions and comments. It will helpe me tremendously. I'm not sure what direction this is taking me but let me know what I should do. Guys, please think about it before you comment. I would be greatly appreciate. Thank you very much. I need to be cleared of this confusion.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 05:53:04 GMT

Haven't written here for a while. I've been here since July 31st 2006. Here as in Ontario, CA. I'm here because the company in Taiwan has sent me. I am the assistant to the chief product officer of the whole operation of the factory. All facets. It is a Taiwanese work enviroment. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if I'm used to it. As you guys know me, I am a twinky/bananna. I'm not sure if I can adjust myself to immerse with my own people. I need help. I feel at times, is it really me? If I adjust is really who I am or am I just the result of entering to the workforce and conforming to the way society works?

My boss has mentioned that I'm still on two months probation. Quite frankly I'm not sure how to take it because part of me is still wanting to be fired and part of me is still wishing to stay on because I might learn a lot but then again, I don't know is it worth the fatigue and emotional strain of work. I also cannot think freely like an American. I have to cast a large bulk of what makes me me aside due to work.

The work is responsibility based and so I cannot have actual actual weekends to have time off. I still need to deal with work. That is something is hard to swallow but I have to meet my fate. In some ways, I feel like I've come to a cross roads where, I must choose a side. Either East or West. I now have some ideas of what its like to be in the East as oppose to the West. Then again, the only reason I am in the East side is that ethnically I am Taiwanese and also my family are as well. I guess that's what's glueing me together. I'm having a hard time. I'm just really dead every day.

My boss is really nice. She has the patience to put up with my mannerism and also not getting things done or neglecting it. She also did mention how I should have a heart to serve people. Not only to her but to my fellow colleagues and her bosses as well. I should think for the other person. I know I have done it but not to the extent that they do it in Taiwanese culture. I feel like since I'm born as an American, I feel like I'm more American but should I act who I look like or act upon my own heart. I know I haven't commented on a lot of ppls' Xanga but I know that I'm slightly venting and confused, and also frustrated a little. What she says is right but on the other way, the views and cultural differences differ greatly that the more I wrestle, the more I cannot be free. In America, there is an expression which is, "Freedom is not Free". But then again, who actually contributed to America more.

There is also a lot of ethnical tendecies of Taiwanese/Chinese that I tend to entirely disagree with and constantly seeing that I feel like although, they are my people but I do not feel like I belong. I feel free. Guys, back in UMass or in TAS, you have seen the real me. It wasn't the fake me. I wasn't another guy who was putting up an act. I was just being real and really being who I truely was. I know I'm not perfect but I continuely want to learn from my mistakes.

I also did not want to hurt my mom's credibility because I obtain this job from my mom's friend's husband. I am trying. I can only try but at times, I feel like is this even worth it. Like I'm still weighing the opportunity cost. Man, I miss Adam, Jim, Cullen, Rhoody and many more.... You guys have helped me grow as a person and spiritually in all facets'. Thank you for letting me come into your lives and to be great friends and brothers'.

I hope that I can sort this out but then again, I'm not sure what the future holds for me because I am just working. I have no life. It is Monday to Friday and work from 8- whenever I get done with my tasks and responsiblities. I also have to take action to find out what others' needs are which pertains to everyone, both my boss and her bosses and my colleagues. HELP!!! Please Lord God help me.

Pardon the fact that I am rambling but just trying to get a lot of it out of the system. I sense and guess this is tough training and adjustment period. I can only give 100% effort and if its not good enough then so be it right? I suppose. Thanks everyone for paying attention to my rambling.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 06:40:07 GMT

create your own visited states map or check out these Google Hacks.

Sorry Guys, I included the states that I have transferred flights in on. My bad. Since the airport is in the state. Bad arguement.

create your own visited countries map or vertaling Duits Nederlands

Also, forgot to include Hong Kong. Since HK is currently part of China. My bad. Totally forgot.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 11:45:11 GMT

I can't believe I haven't written in my xanga for ages. Its been awhile. Quick update, I have now officially moved to Birch to be near my friends. The four guys, Justin, Jim, Cullen, and Adam. Its great

My new number is 774-929-3193

My Mailing Address is:
Birch 4304 A; P.O. Box 9718
285 Old Westport Rd.
N. Dartmouth, MA 02747

Anyways, just woke up and had a dream. I dream about moving into a room. It was the same setup as currently where I live in. The room was the saem setupbut the desk was the dark color wood. I move everything in and got settled. I then decide to explore the suite. It waa kind of huge. I walked out and saw the kitchen. Then there was one room next to mine. I walked further out and turned right and I saw a window and walk towards the window. I then tilt my head to see two rooms. The one on the right was the size of my room. The one on the left was large. Then out of the right room, I saw my friend Chris Lin come out and greeted me. He was surprised to see me then he gave me a quick tour of his room and said that his brother was living next room over which is the room on the left. I walked into Michael's room and saw that it was a double. When you enter you saw his bed. Then I walked towards the bed and tilt my head to see another bed and desk. He had a roommate whom was tall and wore glasses and a little sketchy if you ask me. Since he came into the room when I was looking at the whole room and handed me a lip balm stick (Chap stick looking thing but not the brand).

I told Chris that I had to unpack some more. I then went back to my room. I saw the room inside next to mien with a bed that had white bed sheets. I then proceeded to unpack then I heard a familar voice. It was my Mandarin teacher back in Elementary & Middle School. She was like George how are you doing? Then she said she taught here and all but then was swinging by and saw me unpacking (I had the room to my door open the whole time). Then I saw my mom walked in and I told my mom that Chris lived next door. I just brought her over to show my mom that Chris does live next door. Then as I saw Chris, I saw him trying to put piercings in himself. That surprised my mom and then I escorted my mom back to my room. Then poof. I woke up typing this dream to ya'll.

Weird huh? I think its somewhat exciting. Not a scary one but somewhat. Chris is more conservative. I do not believe him to have piercings and I dreamt about it. Kind of wierd.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 06:17:23 GMT

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

You Failed the US Citizenship Test

Oops, you only got 6 out of 10 right!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Interesting Book to read. I wish I had taken notes as I read. I think I will read it again in the future. This time I will take careful notes.